“West Midlands Police Report”, for Ryan Giggs


The following text is the transcript of a telephone call to the West Midlands police.  The communication was made on the evening of the fourteenth of April 1999, at approximately 10pm, from an area known as Villa Park.

The witness had just seen a bank robber, who the police have subsequently identified only as “Giggs”, breaking into one of the most secure vaults in Europe.  Additional witnesses are urged to come forward.  Here is what the witness had to say.

“I spy a Welshman on the loose
With a tall dark Frenchman in hot pursuit;
As if by the spell of some ancient druid
His left foot has a ball attached to it –
Oh, look, now the Frenchman’s lost him
So two of his friends try to accost him
But he slips between them at such speed
That one of them sits down in disbelief! –
(This criminal’s moving at the speed of warp
But still, it is his balance which makes me gawp –
Fill two wine glasses, place them on his shoulders –
He’ll not have spilled a drop till this sprint is over) –
Mayday, all the guards are waylaid,
Just one of them’s left to protect the stalemate –
But undaunted is this rampaging thief:
The ball explodes from his toes and the safe is breached –
Mission done, he hits and runs,
For some strange reason he tears his shirt off,
He has the chest hair of a lion
At least that’s a means to identify him –
Thus in his theft he revels
As he celebrates with some other devils
They flee before the dust has settled:
Suspected destination?

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